Why Speaking Anxiety Doesn’t Disappear, it Embeds
Over the years, I’ve lost count of how many parents have been told, kindly and reassuringly,
“They’ll grow out of it.”
Sometimes that’s true.
But after 15 years of teaching speech, drama and public speaking to children, and working regularly with adults who are still struggling to use their voice under pressure, I’ve learned something important:
For many people, speaking anxiety doesn’t disappear. It embeds. It becomes quieter, more controlled, and easier to hide, but it’s still there.
Speaking anxiety is something the body learns
Speaking anxiety isn’t just about nerves or confidence. It’s a physical response that develops when a child repeatedly experiences speaking as uncomfortable, pressured, or unsafe.
That might come from:
Being put on the spot
Wanting to get things “right”
Feeling watched, judged or corrected
Freezing or going blank in front of others
Over time, the body starts to anticipate these moments.
The breath tightens, the throat closes and the voice rushes, weakens or disappears. This happens automatically — often long before the child is consciously aware of feeling anxious.
What changes as children get older isn’t the anxiety, it’s how it shows up
In younger children, speaking anxiety is usually visible. They might refuse to speak, cry before presentations, or say they “can’t do it”.
As children grow, they often learn to manage the anxiety rather than resolve it.
Teenagers I work with are far more likely to:
Speak very quickly and rush their answers
Keep their voice quiet or flat
Over-prepare and memorise everything
Avoid situations where they’ll be asked to speak
From the outside, this can easily be mistaken for personality:
“They’re just shy.”
“They’re introverted.”
“They don’t like public speaking.”
But the body is still responding as if speaking is a threat.
Why this doesn’t simply resolve with reassurance or practice
Parents often do exactly what they should: they reassure, encourage practice, and try to build confidence.
The difficulty is that speaking anxiety doesn’t live in thoughts.
I see this clearly now in my work with adults — professionals who are capable, articulate and confident in many areas of life, yet still feel their voice tighten in meetings, presentations or interviews.
They know they’re competent.
They know they have something to say.
But their body reacts before their thinking mind can intervene.
When anxiety embeds, it quietly shapes how someone sees themselves
One of the most concerning things about unaddressed speaking anxiety is the meaning people attach to it. Children don’t think: “My nervous system hasn’t learned to feel safe yet.” They think, “I’m bad at speaking/I’m not confident like other people/I’d rather avoid situations where I have to talk.”
Over time, this can influence:
How much they participate in class
Whether they put themselves forward
The choices they make academically and professionally
Not because they lack ability — but because their voice and body doesn’t feel reliable.
The hopeful part: learned patterns can change
The reason speaking anxiety embeds is also the reason it can be shifted.
The voice is physical.
Breath is trainable.
The nervous system responds to safety.
When a child experiences speaking as calm/supported/physically manageable/free from pressure or judgement. The body begins to update its expectations. Speaking no longer feels like something to survive. This is often where change happens surprisingly quickly.
Why early, focused support matters
Working with adults has made this even clearer to me: many are still carrying patterns that began in childhood, simply because no one addressed the physical side of speaking at the time.
Supporting children early doesn’t mean pushing them or making a big deal out of it.
It means giving them tools so their voice feels steady and trustworthy — something they can rely on. It means teaching them to recognise their physical responses and teaching them that they have more control over it than they think. That’s why short, focused sessions can be so effective. They don’t force confidence, they build safety first.
A final thought for parents
If your child seems capable but held back when they speak, it’s not something to wait out and hope disappears, speaking anxiety rarely does. However, with the right support, it doesn’t have to stay embedded either.